I've drawn so many lines, my life is a road of stripes

no more mistakes,
because in your eyes, I'd like to stay.

Well since I've blogged last,
josh has broken his promises as usual,
and I've been let down...
as usual.

I seriously almost broke up with him.
I even considered myself single for like twenty minutes.

I'm so fed up.
but if I am,
then why do I give him so many chances?

Beats the dog shit out of me.

He doesn't realize how close he is to having me walk out the door,
and never come back.

But even if I did leave,
I would still cry about him. Only because I miss him so much. I would
still want to talk to him and know that hes there for me.

You see,
I can't get rid of him.
it would be like selling my heart.
hes my everything.

Which is why I'm so torn.

Maybe there actually is a bit of faith that he might change his ways
for the better.
and maybe thats what keeps me with him

But I don't feel that.
I feel like I'm stuck with no hope of my boyfriend ever even wanting
to live up to my expectations

But I live him so much.

I have no idea what is going to happen.
but i am aware that its probably going to get worse,
and there are going to be plenty of more times where i just want to
throw in the towel/

But hopefully I'll stay
and hopefully behind all of these clouds I'll see my sunshine again.

Now the lessons learned,
I touched and I was burned.

opening a healed wound, and puring salt on it.

Remember this, josh?
what happened to it?
i do remember a time when we were completely happy. we werent fighting like every other day, and neither of us had any problems.

what happened to it?

Both of us are to blame for the way we are now.
it should have been made very clear when we started going out that we had expectations.

and now, neither of us are following any of those expectations.
its not just you.
its not just me.

its hard for me to be in a relationship with someone i barely trust, you know?
Im sure it would be hard for you too.
im sorry about the things ive done lately.
and im sorry that i still think about the things that youve done.

i cant help but go back and look at everything that went wrong like 29340395 times.
its like im purposely trying to make myself feel bad.
because i dont trust you, i think. and i keep a reassurance of that every chance i get.

i want soooo badly to trust you again, fall in love with you again, and just be the way we used to be.
im crying typing this right now because i miss you so much.
but we are so distant from eachother now.

sure we have many good moments.
but bad shadows good awefully quickly.

i love you sooo soo so soooo so sooooo sooooo much.
im not writing his saying how much i dont want to be with you.
thats the last thing i want.


i just want to start over.
and im trying sooooo soo hard.

i want that spark back.

i think the problem is,
when we basically started getting serious, all of my trust got broken,
and we basically started out with no [mutual] trust in our relationship.

and i want so badly to forget everything that ha shappened but i cant.
even in this letter to you,
i cant organize my thoughts.
i think ive said the same ting ten thousand times.

but i just want to get my feelings out to you in some sort of nonverbal form because i find its easier for me to share them that way.

i guess sometimes i fell that the only way i can trust you is if you are under my watch 24/7.
i know everytime i let you go out on your own and do something,
something always gets messed up and we are on the same road AGAIN.

and i dont want it to be that way.
i feel too clingy.
but every moment i have,
i want to spend it with you.

i dont want to share.
with anyone.
i hate myself for it.

i hate myself period.
i have a hard time dealing with the way i always nag you.

its as tough for me as it is you.

im just tired of being lied to.
i feel so stupid everytime i figure something out. and theres always something else, which is why i try to dig and dig to find every little detail behind every story. and then i sit and cry and cry and cry because i get hurt everytime.

so why do i do it?
i have no idea.
but i dont want to.
everything still hurts just as much as it did when it happened, and i dont want it to be that way.
i want to seal up these wounds forever.
permanently.
and never ever open them again.

but part of that involves you stopping all of the lies and the games.
you can help me seal these wounds joshua.

All i am asking is that you please help in the effort to get our relationship back to what it used to be.
back when i knew nothing was wrong.
back when nothing was hidden.
back to the way it used to be.


i have sooo soo much more to say to you.
but i cannot organize any of my htoughts right now.

so ill just leave it at this.

when you get don reading this.

i want you to talk about it with me.
and not make me feel horrible.
i just think that everything needs to be let out on the table NOW.
so we can start fresh.


because that off all things is what i want the most.


thank you baby.
i love you.

the winds of change

they don't exist.

Old habits never die
people never change.
we just adapt.

I just adapt.

We are stuck
stuck in the same vicious cycle that we will be in all of our lives.

Nothing changes.

People just adapt.

People are stuck in the same routine every night and day.
a routine that they will never break out of for the rest of their lives.

People just adapt.
they adjust to every single situation. They never break the routine

Old habits never die. They hibernate.

They will make their way back into that vicious cycle. That vicious routine.

Those adjustaholics. Those changeaphobics.

I'm stuck.
youre stuck.
we're stuck.

For the rest of our lives.

Only He has the power to break us free.
break me free.

I suppose I have to adjust.
quit my damn bitching and just get on.

Because the winds of change,
they don't exist

the past week or so.

I don't even know where to begin.
I have hardly had time to breathe let alone blog.

Last week I got pulled over for the first time in my entire driving career.
it was scary as shit.
I got a warning ticket.

Josh finally told me that he was going to stop with all of the things
I dissaprove of, which I won't share on this blog.
and for the first time,
I actually believed him.
he has been very very open to me and I appreciate it deeply.

But if he does screw up even after this,
it will hurt even worse because he has made so many promises to me.
I think he has everything in check now though and I am proud of him.

Little Emerson is already close to three months
how weird is that????
lacrosse season officially kicks off on Monday.

My mom isn't happy that I'm doing it,
but I don't really have a choice,
and thats where things get complicated,
so we won't get into it.

Prom is right around the corner.
I still haven't gotten my dress.
I've been looking though.
my mom says she will buy one,
but I think her price
and retailers suggested price don't exactly match up.
oh well,
we will see what we can do.

I've been in a pretty good mood other then my ear infection. I've
really been in a good mood ever since me and josh talked last weekend.

I really hope he does actually turn it around.
its keeping me going,
and I will be soooo hurt if he lets me down.

Well thats all I can think of right now,
so,
off to bed for me!!!

wow...

I just got done reading a postsecret book for the 74473828474th time.

I guess i never actually READ it.

There were two secrets, that both are kind of related, but they speak
to me so much, and I relate to them perfectly.
and that scares me.

I want to tell someone so badly, but I am afraid,
even to put it on a postcard.

And now I can't stop thinking about it.
there was also a secret that could have possibly related to josh.
and I'm afraid of that too actually

Because that secret actually came true, and although it probably
doesn't bother him now,

It bothers me everyday

But of course,
thats no secret.

monday, the 23rd of february

not much going on.





im currently in school.

the dye getting on my skin from dying my hair is making me look like miss rihanna over there.

but i feel sorry for her, i really do.

no woman should have to go through that.

i forgot there was a margot show this friday at the emerson.


i want to go, but margot is getting so overplayed.


plus, im flat ass broke.

















goodness i need a job.


this anatomy paper is really easy.


i have a quiz on that next period. crapola.








but this weekend was really good.


joshua actually dyed my hair this weekend,


and he did a really good job,


so i think i have a new colorist haha.





friday, i didnt pick josh up till late. major problems there.


buhhh.


saturday we got a crib for emerson.


its gorgeous i think


we also donated an old crib.





that was like my first time ever donating anything.


it was weird.





and then we just watched scary movies.





im really ctraving a burger right now.


i think that i will make one when i get home.








school lunch is rancid.

the worst day of the week most defff.

so the highlight of my day.

Oh wait, there wasnt any...

My mom has been bitching at me all day about what a horrible mother I am,
which I know isn't true,
but it still hurts to hear her say those things.

She has been so mean to me lately.

I've been working on Latin since noon, and it is now 8pm, but I'm
making progress at least.

Josh was supposed to help me with it but the jerkface decided to l3ave.
he always does that when I need him the most :[[[

Whatever.
today, 2/19/09 blows.

The baby just started crying,
so I will go tend to her.

Hopefully next week is way better.
bus.