opening a healed wound, and puring salt on it.

Remember this, josh?
what happened to it?
i do remember a time when we were completely happy. we werent fighting like every other day, and neither of us had any problems.

what happened to it?

Both of us are to blame for the way we are now.
it should have been made very clear when we started going out that we had expectations.

and now, neither of us are following any of those expectations.
its not just you.
its not just me.

its hard for me to be in a relationship with someone i barely trust, you know?
Im sure it would be hard for you too.
im sorry about the things ive done lately.
and im sorry that i still think about the things that youve done.

i cant help but go back and look at everything that went wrong like 29340395 times.
its like im purposely trying to make myself feel bad.
because i dont trust you, i think. and i keep a reassurance of that every chance i get.

i want soooo badly to trust you again, fall in love with you again, and just be the way we used to be.
im crying typing this right now because i miss you so much.
but we are so distant from eachother now.

sure we have many good moments.
but bad shadows good awefully quickly.

i love you sooo soo so soooo so sooooo sooooo much.
im not writing his saying how much i dont want to be with you.
thats the last thing i want.


i just want to start over.
and im trying sooooo soo hard.

i want that spark back.

i think the problem is,
when we basically started getting serious, all of my trust got broken,
and we basically started out with no [mutual] trust in our relationship.

and i want so badly to forget everything that ha shappened but i cant.
even in this letter to you,
i cant organize my thoughts.
i think ive said the same ting ten thousand times.

but i just want to get my feelings out to you in some sort of nonverbal form because i find its easier for me to share them that way.

i guess sometimes i fell that the only way i can trust you is if you are under my watch 24/7.
i know everytime i let you go out on your own and do something,
something always gets messed up and we are on the same road AGAIN.

and i dont want it to be that way.
i feel too clingy.
but every moment i have,
i want to spend it with you.

i dont want to share.
with anyone.
i hate myself for it.

i hate myself period.
i have a hard time dealing with the way i always nag you.

its as tough for me as it is you.

im just tired of being lied to.
i feel so stupid everytime i figure something out. and theres always something else, which is why i try to dig and dig to find every little detail behind every story. and then i sit and cry and cry and cry because i get hurt everytime.

so why do i do it?
i have no idea.
but i dont want to.
everything still hurts just as much as it did when it happened, and i dont want it to be that way.
i want to seal up these wounds forever.
permanently.
and never ever open them again.

but part of that involves you stopping all of the lies and the games.
you can help me seal these wounds joshua.

All i am asking is that you please help in the effort to get our relationship back to what it used to be.
back when i knew nothing was wrong.
back when nothing was hidden.
back to the way it used to be.


i have sooo soo much more to say to you.
but i cannot organize any of my htoughts right now.

so ill just leave it at this.

when you get don reading this.

i want you to talk about it with me.
and not make me feel horrible.
i just think that everything needs to be let out on the table NOW.
so we can start fresh.


because that off all things is what i want the most.


thank you baby.
i love you.